Often, we come to a moral crux in our life, where a small, un-seemingly important decision rests to be made and we fight with our dear life to not make it. " To be or not to be, that is the question". We make up all kinds of excuses, even excuses that are darn right contradictory and from a slightly clearer perspective, totally illogical and perhaps, insane. Excuses are a slight sign of insanity to me now. Whereas before they were totally backed up by more excuses and more reasons why they held so much power and so much fact, I now see how much they have just been my "logical" desire for safety. What this looked like, this staying small business? Living within the confining space of other people's boundaries; never truly defining my own boundaries; not generating my own sense of belonging and safety by being willing to explore what it is I belong to as in long for as in want to be and long with.
How am I going beyond this? By clearly embodying what rings true for me on what fulfills my own sense of safety and happiness and finding loving ways to voice it. We all long to feel safe, seen, loved, appreciated but certainly we are all uniquely made and what that may look and feel like for one person can be entirely different for another; to assume this for others and upon others is somewhat tyrannical. And to assume that defining this for ourself is selfish or self absorbed, is actual self-abandonment and deep neglect. We thrive when we know who we are, what we want, what we need to feel loved, safe and nourished by and most importantly, finding meaningful ways to communicate that to the ones we love. We lose ourselves when we don't step fiercely out into life, explore and define this for ourself but let some other parent, authoritarian figure do that . Of course our families, friends, political structures stand as sign posts, but they are only that. Something to consider, follow but decide your own path, your own way and fiercely stand by yourself. Or who else will?
Last night's student performance at the Rio suprisingly found me asking "to dance or not to dance!". Bravely, my inner girl, resurfaced, the one around 9/10 years old who loved all shades pink, especially Barbie pink, dreamt of mice and birds spinning me a Cinderella dress, singing out her window to little birds like Snow White, dancing with John Travolta in Greace Lightning and of course grinding with Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Yup all those good feels came out with my gorgeous original vintage dress that on the drop of a wish, I magically found an hour before dress rehearsal, and fit me like a perfect glove, which is totally rare and unique for a vintage dress to be a small enough! This dress was just sitting there, waiting for me in the C'est La Vie on Main Street! Joy dropped into my fairytale mind and ouila! I was set to rock and roll in this playful, coy choreography of Chastity Twist. The pics show another super dancing babe Chanelle who so kindly gave my coif this 50's do! Thankyou darling!~
This performance taking place in the 50's found my inner mother and Nonna from an era that held many restrictions and invited me to step into new crystal shoes in a brand new way that was about ME breaking my own glass ceilings and taboos around dance, performance, femininity, artistry, power and visibility. I felt so absolutely raw and fun and was grateful for my willingness to stay with the discomfort of doing something new and slightly risque.
There were moments of fear inside me about dancing, but a fear so old, it no longer had any power. It felt like an old worn out bag with tears and seams being busted open, where anything put in would just fall out; truly time to throw out this old bag. Just the feeling like that fear, however tempting and powerful it was in the past, no longer held this hypnotic pull on me anymore. Telling me to stay small, so I would be safe, actually felt so very wrong in my body. Like my inner wisdom knew, actually Lisa, your safety is on the other side of the fear. Your true inner power knows no fear. Knows no limits. Knows that SHE sets her own boundaries. She draws her own masterpiece called life and then puts a most beautiful frame, a most exquisite cornice, that holds, protects and makes safe this beautiful life she has decided is her own. It took me years to get to this bravery. Working so diligently on listening, deeply listening to where and how I had closed myself off. Where I shut my own windows, my own beautiful soul breathing, laughing, singing through the warm, whispering air hallelujahs into my freckled ears tending to their swishing drapes . Dance, Dance, in your own way, sway and be swayed, never be persuaded out of looking, listening, feeling your way through the dark and into your own light. The other option is fear. Be afraid and don't look. That option has fear as your master. Lurking over your every move, your every song, your breath of freedom telling you to hold your breath, hold your dreams, and hide. You will be safe it tells you. You will be inexistent, safe and no trouble to yourself and others and this is fear itself. This is the voice of fear my dear and as it was said by Winston Churchill, " there is nothing more to fear than fear itself "; it was originally a very smart and just Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelious who said this. Perhaps something a great Empress Faustina whispered into his ears when he let down his guard, and lifted the drapes to let in a clearer, wiser, juicier voice.